Jokes Page

God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"

A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."

First god created earth, then he rested...
Then he created man, then he rested...
Then he created women and no one has rested since!

Imagine Peter McGrattans surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, Peter was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. 'This is fantastic,' thought Peter. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.'

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to Peter and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that ends in 'unt' are refers to a woman?" Only one word leapt to mind... a vulgar one. 'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another,' thought Peter. Then, it hit him. He turned to the Pope and said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course!" exclaimed the Pope. "I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser? "

Julie and Liz Adam were drinking coffee.
Liz said, "I woke up this morning with an awful headache. Do you have a good remedy?"
Julie responded, "For my headaches, Billy is my remedy. He rubs my shoulders and neck, caresses my breasts, kisses my tummy, and... well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all, I forget all about my headache. You should try it!"
Liz smiled. "Sounds great! What time does he get home?"

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at
all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids
out."

One night, as the farmer and his wife were reading in bed, he looked up from his copy of "Animal Husbandry" and said, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She gazed back at him hopefully, smiled, and said, "Really? Prove it!"
He frowned, said, "Okay". Then left the bedroom.
An hour later, he returned, all tired and sweaty, and said: "I know that the cow and the sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, it's hard to tell!"

A man was driving down the motorway, and sees a sign saying "Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles"

Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles."

Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.

He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers "I saw your signs on the motorway, are they for real?"

The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her £50 and follow her to a room.

He enters a room, and a second nun requests £50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.

He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

Tommy McShane was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past Tommy, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life down and out, leaned over and whispered something in the tramps ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered Tommy. After speaking with the tramp, Tommy agreed to pay £500 to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning Tommy stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to Tommy. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to Tommy and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

The year is 2222 and Scott and Naomi land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Scott asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Naomi brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Naomi. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Noami and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Noami.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Scott asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Naomi, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All that bitch kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Wee Joe McBeth, walks into the club around 9:58 pm. He sits down next to Amanda at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Amanda looks down at Joe and says, " Do you think he will jump?"
wee Joe says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The Amanda replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Wee Joe placed £20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as Amanda placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The Amanda was very upset and handed her £20 down to wee Joe and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
Wee Joe looked up at her and replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The Amanda replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.".

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm bloody freezing!

A man sees a gorilla on his roof. so he calls the "Gorilla Removers". . The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. What's the shotgun for? asks the homeowner. If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog

A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
To which her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

Molly McShane, Margaret Macdonald and Ann Marie Fletcher accidentally walk into a male strip club, aye rite,

Before they realize what's happened, they're seated in the front row.

A well-endowed male dancer begins gyrating all around them.

When Molly sees this, she has a stroke. After a few seconds, Margaret has a stroke.

Ann Marie, with a slight grin on her face, nearly has a stroke...........................

...but her arms aren't quite long enough!

How dogs and men are the same

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother Fiona, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom, Naomi. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name Penny.. "He turned to the third mom, Pamela. "Your obsession is with alcohol. This, too, shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Suzie, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home."

During their silver wedding anniversary holiday in Tenerife, Liz reminded John: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" John replied: "Yes, Liz, that was the happiest hour of my life."

Edge: Hey, Arthur! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.

Arthur: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.

Edge: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!

Arthur: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.

Edge: I hate to tell you this, Arthur, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.

Arthur: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
Shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
All that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing
Led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
Attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
Various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I
Went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to
Read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
With me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
Sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a
Lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
Confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next..
He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts,
And had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he
Claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
And I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's
HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of
Him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and
DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
A lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying
In a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and
Monitors running in and out of him.. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......
Circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Jesus was relieving St Peter at the Pearly Gates. An old man asked for admission.
"Name?", said Jesus.
"Jeseph."
"Occupation?"
"Carpenter."
Jesus become excited. "Did you have a son?"
asked Jesus.
"Yes."
"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?"
"Yes!" said the old man.
Jesus looked at the old man with a tear in his eye, put his arms out and said, "Father! Father! It's me! It's me!
The old man looked puzzled, then beamed - "Pinocchio!"

Suzie just got married and being a traditional Paisley Burd, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Suzie, Jim a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Jim took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Suzie ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, mama, Jim's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Suzie," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Jim will take care of you!"

So, up she went again! When she got there, JIm took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Suzie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,mama, Jim took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

Her mother replied,"Don't worry Suzie, all good men have hairy legs. Jim's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Suzie saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, mama, Jim's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the sauce dear," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

A Jew, an Indian and a Frenchman were travelling across Texas when their car broke down. They knocked on a farmers' door and asked for accommodation for the night.
"I can only put up two", said the farmer, "one will have to sleep in the barn,"
"I will sleep in the barn", said the Jew.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There's a pig in the barn", said the Jew, "I cannot sleep with a pig."
"O.K., I'll go", said the Indian.
Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "There's a cow in the barn", said the Indian, "I am a Hindu, I cannot sleep with a cow."
"I'll go", said the Frechman.
Five minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.

What do hookers and bungee jumping have in common?
They both cost money to do and if the rubber ends up breaking, you’re screwed.

An agricultural inspector stopped at a ranch in Texas and spoke with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher replied, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location.
The inspector officer verbally exploded, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.....on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the inspector running for his life, chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull....
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the inspector and it seemed likely that he would get gored before he could reach safety. The inspector was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge. Show him your f**king badge!"

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that, within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Two Vicky Vets, John Rennie 80 and Willie Cummings 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. Willie had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. John was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
Willie said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, John stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

On the night of a Halloween costume party Gary and Edith were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while Edith got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.
The Gary looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The Edith gave him a wierd look and then Gary replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper trophy."
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water, the fish swallows the fly, the bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich, the cat jumps for the mouse, the mouse ducks, and the cat falls into the water and drowns.

And the moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is probably in danger!

Two sweet little old ladies, Cathy and Ann Marie, were walking through a museum when they got separated.
When they found each other, Cathy said, "My, oh my, Ann Marie! Did you see the statue of that naked man back there?"
"Yes, I did," replied Ann Marie. "I was shocked. How can they display such a thing? The genitalia were huge!"
"Yes. And cold, too!" Ann Marie replied.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' She pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little buggars'

A man owned a small farm in Scotland. The Tax Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!" demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.

An answer I can Understand.
An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the bloody’ boat."

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

The doctor took Scott McLean into a room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news for you."
"Give me the good news first," said Scott.
"They're going to name a new disease after you.

Brian Cummings said to Bel one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
"Allow me to explain," said Bel. "God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Stuart Colquhoun, with a long list of conquests, walked into the club and ordered a drink.
Robert McEwan thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," Stuart replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop having sex with his wife."
"So stop," Robert said.

"I can't," Stuart replied, taking a long swill. "The guy didn't sign his name!"

Two businessmen in Paisley were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop.
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One of the men said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well ... Only two left."

Stephen Kerr has had a lot of bad luck with the ladies recently no wonder with these pick up lines,

Stephen: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Stephen: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Stephen: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Stephen: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Stephen: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Mandy the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.
Mandy came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
Mandy said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"
Mandy replied, "No, just up to my waist."

Margaret Vandal and Ena Brown were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Barry would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" Ena said.
"Oh, my William used to do the same thing," Margaret commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."
"What did you do?"
"I hid his teeth!"

John Adam Snr and his granddaughter, Claire, were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," Edge Snr answered. A few minutes later, Claire asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," John answered. For a few minutes, Claire seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a better job these days."

Donnie Begg was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge. The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied Donnie.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I would't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do you say that?"
"Because my cap would fall over my eyes."

Ann Marie Fletcher found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
So he cleaned both of the dog's ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Ann Marie that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Ann Marie went to the chemist, and bought the ''Nair" hair remover.
At the till, the chemist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Ann Marie said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The chemist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
Ann Marie replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either."
"But if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The chemist said, "Stay off bicycles for about a week!"

Edge Adam was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work Guinness when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the Edge could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, Edge asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The Edge considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,

"Paint my house."

Every time that one of our bar staff, Suzie, sneezies she has an orgasm. When Suzie told Bell Cummings about this Bell asked if she was taking something for it, yeah said Suzie 'Pepper'

When she met him in the Single Bar, she told him she was Libra on the cusp of Scorpio. David Moran replied that he was Taurus with penis rising.
It was her first night at the Singles Bar and the handsome young guy had asked her home to watch some videos.
"No funny business? Nothing serious?", she asked.
"Trust me, We'll just watch a few movies."
"But what if I've seen the movies?"
"Well, you can put your clothes on and go home."

Stevie Kerr calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

A taxi passenger tapped Tommy McShane on the shoulder to ask him a question. Tommy screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then Tommy said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "Tommy replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a £1 coin in one hand and 50 pence in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the 50 pence and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream shop.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the 50 pence instead of the £1 coin?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the £1 coin the game's over!"

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of thought, it comes to one in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I think blinking is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. " I am sure Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light"

After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid points but I think diarrhoea wins !"
"What the feck are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three other guys.

"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o’clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shit myself !"

In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Good mornin" to yerz, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant."They’re called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving", says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

It was a dismal day, and at the local vets surgery three dogs were discussing why they were there.

The first dog (a poodle) told the other two that he had chewed the master's favorite slippers once too often , and was going to be put to sleep for the deed.

The second dog (a Yorkshire terrier) told a similar story about a new suite of furniture. He too was to be put to sleep.

"What about you, what's your story?" said the poodle to the third dog, which happened to be a very large German Shepherd .

The German Shepherd proceeded to tell his story.

"My story starts when my pretty young mistress was taking a shower with the bathroom door open, and on seeing her in this state of undress, I barked very loudly. Startled, she then dropped the soap, and bent down to pick it up. Well, I don't know what came over me, but I could not control my sexual urges."

"I suppose you are going to be destroyed?" said the poodle.

"No" said the German Shepherd. "I am in to have my claws clipped!"

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.

So he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor! I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away myDDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing...

A Wish

Scott McLean comes into the club last Saturday night, orders a beer and takes out of a bag a tiny piano and a 10 inch high man. He puts the man behind the piano and the little man starts playing. All the members present are amazed!
Robert McEwan offers Scott free drinks all evening and at closing time he asks: 'I'm sorry, but where did you get him?'
Well, said Scott, I found an old oil lamp and when I was cleaning it a genie came out and told me that I could make one wish.
O, said Robert, do you still have that lamp? Yes, said Scott. Could you bring it down to the club tomorrow, asked Robert.
I'll do that, said Scott.
Next day Scott brought the lamp, Robert cleaned it up and the genie came out.
You can make one wish, said the genie to Robert.
I wish I had a million bucks, said Robert.
Right at that moment thousands and thousands of ducks came flying in the club, shitting everywhere.
I don't understand, said Robert, I've asked for bucks, not ducks!
Well, said Scott, do you really think I've asked for a 10 inch pianist?

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin" mother ***kers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves.
30 minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don’t mind me askin" where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...first I had to go to Murphy’s pub down the street to see if I could do it.".

One day at Infants" school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I’ll give 50p to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It was Saint Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that’s not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It was Saint Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either."
Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That’s absolutely right, Esther, come up here and I’ll give you your 50p."

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know - in my heart it is Moses, but business is business."

A distinguished young woman on flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?" the priest replied.
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" the woman asked.
"I would love to help you, but I must warn you: I will not lie!" The priest told her.
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.
When they got to Customs, the young woman let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," said the priest.
The officials thought this answer a bit strange, so he asked, "And what to you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused," answered the priest.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

John and Liz were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when Liz says to John "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

John replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
Liz continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
Liz and John then make passionate love.
When they are done, John gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks Liz
John says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
John puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" Liz asks.
John says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
John slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
Liz asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this bloody hole."

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice-cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...

Couldn't walk for a year....

Did you hear about the time Liz Adam was helping one of her nursery kids put on his new boots?
He asked Liz for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Miss, they're on the wrong feet.' Liz looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. Liz managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet...

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

Liz bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, Liz asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nevously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

Fresh from her shower, Jackie stood in front of the mirror complaining to Danny that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, Danny uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"

Willing to try anything, Jackie fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," Danny replies.

Jackie stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat Danny says, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"

She rolled her eyes and said, “Here comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand.

I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."

A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replid, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

Naomi asked Scott to cut back on expenses, so he gave up drinking alcohol. He wasn't a big drinker anyway. Then Scott found a receipt for £45 for makeup. "Wait a minute!" he said to Naomi. "I gave up alcohol; you haven't given up anything!" "I buy makeup so I look pretty for you," Naomi replied. Scott told her, "Hell, that's what the alcohol was for!" .... I don't think she'll be back.

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Tiger Woods is to appear in panto in Paisley this Christmas, its called Wood in the Babes

Last day of school

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.

The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD. Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut".

The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"

A burglar broke into a house one Christmas night looking for presents when the family was not home. He shined his flashlight around, looking, when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

It was the happiest day of my life.
I arrived at the church, my husband waiting at the altar.
I walked up the aisle, kissed him on the cheek, smiled ... and closed the lid!

The Pastor's Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day...

The middle aged couple were driving along the suburban street when the traffic cop pulled them over. "You were doing 95 in a built up area", said the cop.
"Rubbish!", replied the husband, "I was only doing 60!"
The cop insisted on 95 and the driver was getting very agitated, when his wife leaned over and said, "Don't argue with him, officer. He's always pigheaded when he's had a few drinks."

A funny thing happened to me the other day my new neighbours, the two 25 year old blonde lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a new Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I just wanna watch."

Little Claire was at the zoo with Liz and John. She had never seen an elephant before.
"What's that thing hanging between it's front legs, mum?"
"That's it's trunk."
"And what's that thing hanging between his back legs?'
Embarrassed Liz said, "That's nothing."
Claire wasn't happy with this answer and asked John for confirmation.
"What's that thing hanging between his back legs, Dad?"
"That's his penis", said John.
"Mum said it's nothing."
"Yes, said John but your mother's been spoiled for years."

A professor at the University of The West of Scotland was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Scott McLean raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Scott, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Scott replied, 'Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

It has been studied and determined that the most often used
Sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

During a visit to the mental asylum, Gerry Moncrieff asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. "Well" said the director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub". " Oh I understand" said Gerry." A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup". " No" said the director, "A normal person would pull out the plug,. Do you want the bed near the window Gerry?"

Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrel..."

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to Bel who is standing at the coffee machine, he inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks Bel, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's wee Joe, the midget."

Stephen Kerr goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in Paisley, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells Stephen to return in two days for the results.
Stephen returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
Stephen looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me an injection or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
Stephen screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, Stephen seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".
Stephen says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", Stephen replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks and it fall off by itself!"

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent 20 years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Stuart Colquhoun meets a girl out at Kilty Kilty and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when Stuart walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks,

''So, how was I?''

She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is Scott McLean, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you'd better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. When the lion is about half way to her, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is agape. "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" he exclaims. He then turns to Scott and asks, "Can you top that?"
Scott replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of Morrisons Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street and at the end turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new minister in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get To Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway.
His wonder is cut short by Scott, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and Vodka bottles.
"Wow Scott, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the postman comments.
Scott in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4 a.m. Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from the bowling club over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time
with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through
a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is," Scott explains.
The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Scott responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a vet..."

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Stephen Kerr was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said Stephen, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to Stephen since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

Stephen woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a Burd from Australia, she stole my wallet."

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Paul Cullen goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to Paul, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

Paul says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called Pauls wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the toilet, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the fridge!''

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.
Two of the figures had black penis's, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society..
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young Scotsman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.
They're just three Scottish coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

The Miracle

A devout cowboy lost his Bible while mending fences out on the range.
A month later a cow showed up at the ranch with his Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe it. He raised the book heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
The cow said, "Not really. Your name is in the front cover!"

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water since it was fairly secluded.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the china man quickly used his hands to cover his privates, but the Japanese covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the American and the Chinese asked the Japanese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Japanese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize."

A young boy, about 12, answered a knock at the door.
"Is yer paw home?" a farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with pa."
"How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"
"He went with ma and pa."
The farmer stood there for a minute, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered this for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

The mortician, was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity..'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

A Wife’s Special Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share rinks with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi John. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car hissing at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Show him your cross!"
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window, sticks her head out and shouts, "Get the F*ck! off the car!"

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "did Celtic beat Dinamo Moscow." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between a select rink from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Donny Begg walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, Donny," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," Donny continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."

Edge Adam, Billy Hassan & Brian Cummings all go camping with their other halves, but only had two tents. So it was decided that the girls would share one tent and the lads share the other one.

During the night Big edge wakens up and says to Billy & Brian I need to go and see Liz, I've got the biggest erection that I have ever had, Billy said I better come as well its mine your holding

Little Edge Adam is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what’s going on. “Playing cards,” she replies. “Who’s your partner?” asked little Edge. “Your father!”

Content with his answer, Little Edge walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister’s room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. “Playing cards.” “With who?” he asks. ”My boyfriend!” she says.

A short while later, Little Edge’s father, Big Edge, is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Edge’s room. He knocks on the door and asks ”What are you doing?” “Playing cards!” replied Edge. ”Who’s your partner?” asked Big Edge.

Little Edge answers promptly, “With a hand like this who needs a partner?”

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer.
One night, Mike invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was more than met the eye. Mike saw his mother watching them and assured her that they were just roommates.
A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem.
"Ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find the gravy ladle. Do you think she took it?"
Mike replied, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway."
Mike sat down at the computer and composed the following e-mail:

Dearest Mother,
I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find the ladle.
Love always,
Mike

Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his mother:

Dearest Michael,
I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.
Love,
Mother

Moral of the story: Don't lie to your mother!

This girl walks into a bar and sees this realy cute guy sitting at the bar. She walks up to him and asks him what he's drinking. He replies "magic beer." The girl looks at him weirdly and says that he is crazy, so the guy says watch this and takes a sip and jumps out the window flies around the building three times comes in and sits back down. The girl grabs his beer and jumps out the window falls to the ground and dies.
The bartender looks up and says, "Superman you're such an idiot when you're drunk!"

Barry, Tommy &Gerald were sitting in the lounge talking about how whipped they had their wives.
Barry & Gerald kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.
They looked at Tommy and he said, "I have Molly so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."
Barry & Gerald were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.
Tommy replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and Molly crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny,"coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"

Nine months later

Billy decided to go skiing with his mate, Edge. So they loaded up Billy's mini bus and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Billy said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Billy got an unexpected letter from an solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Edge and asked, 'Edge, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Edge.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Edge said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Edge's face turned bright red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, Billy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

A Barry Brown was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." Barry stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. Barry was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." Barry did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" Barry asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" Barry asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a pack of condoms.
The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?

Two guys are in a supermarket when their trolleys collide.
John says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Brian
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks John.
Brian replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside.
What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says John, "let's look for yours!"

Mick walks into the club and has a couple of pints. Once he is done Robert tells him he owes £5.00
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says MIck.
"Okay," says Robert, "If you say you paid, you did."
The Mick then goes outside and tells Hochee that the Robert can't keep track of whether the members have paid.
Hochee then rushes in, orders a girders and later pulls the same stunt.
The Robert replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon Hochee goes into the street, sees an old friend, Barry Brown, and tells him how to get free drinks.
Barry hurries into the bar and begins to drink double whiskies when, suddenly, the Robert leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Mick and Hochee were drinking, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," Barry responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Newly Married

Martin and Pamela married and they are both virgins.

On there first night Martin starts to get undressed by taking off his shoes and socks. His toes are curled under. Pamela asked him, " Martin what happened to your toes"? Martin said, " when I was a kid I had tolio" Pamela says, "you mean polio" and he said "no tolio" Pamela said, "I never heard of that"

He takes of his pants and he has a rash on both knees. Again she asks "what happened to your knees? "When I was a kid I had kneeasles and the rash never left. " You mean measles" No kneeasles.... Never heard of that either.

As he takes off his shorts Pamela said, "don't tell me, you had small cox"

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
the moral of the story:

Men who are ungrateful should remember that fairies are female.

A dentist noticed that his next patient, Margaret Vandal, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
Margaret didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, Margaret burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Bel and Angela are outside the club, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Angela pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Bel: What in the hell is that?
Angela: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Bel: Where did you get it?
Angela: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Bel gets herself into the local chemist and announces to the assistant that she wants a box of condoms.
The assistant, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

Tommy and his wife Molly went to the town fair every year, and every year Tommy would say, Molly, I'd like to ride in that helicopter..'

Molly always replied, 'I know Tommy, but that helicopter ride is £100, and £100 is £100'

One year Molly and Tommy went to the fair, and Tommy said, 'Molly, I'm 60 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Molly replied, 'Tommy that helicopter ride is £100, and £100 is £100.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's £100.'

Tommy and Molly agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Tommy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Tommy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Molly fell out, but you know, £100 is £100!

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride, Naomi, slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband, Scott, had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her. He replied, 'It's Lent'.

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

'Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

Six members were playing poker in the club when Brian Smyth lost £100 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen member, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael McGoldrick looks around and asks, 'right guys, someone got's to tell Brian's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Stephen McShane picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet???
I'm the most discreet Vicky member you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Stephen goes over to Brian's house and knocks on the door.
Janette answers, and asks what he wants. Stephen declares, 'Your Brian just lost £100, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Janette.
'I'll go tell him.' says Stephen.

Drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of the newly refurbished main hall of the club. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room John Adam suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.

'Mick, Mick,' he whispered, to Mick McGoldrick 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'

'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'

But as John started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down John one of them's coming over!'

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

A scuffle started in the club one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose. 'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGoldrick. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.' Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down. Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department. 'Will he live?' inquired the guys. Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.' 'Was it loss of blood?' asked Martin. No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

Gerry was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Gerry replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Gerry replied, 'The same place you got that bloody train!'

A duck walks into the club and orders a pint of lager and a packet of crisps.
Robert McEwan looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims Robert.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my Lager and my crisps please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says Robert as he pours the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in the club. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted Robert cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his lager, eats his crisps, bids Robert good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the club for a pint and Robert says to him

He talks, drinks lager, eats crisps, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the club Robert says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says Robert.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies Robert.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," Robert replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," Robert replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says Robert.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ... ..

"What the f*** would a circus want with a plasterer ??"

Margaret Ronald walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets Margaret with, "Good day, Margaret. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Margaret, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.

The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.

"I thought you were trying to bring her back."

Little John was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, John, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little John, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!"

Murphy lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Murphy went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Stuart finally got a date with a female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his tenament. To prepare for his big date, big Stuart went up on to the roof of his building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get a sunburn on his "tool". But, determined not to miss his date, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

When the hot date showed up at his flat, Stuart treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a DVD. During the DVD, however, Stuart's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The date, meanwhile, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his pecker immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the she exclaimed - "So, that's how you guys load those things!".'"

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don`t lie, I`m St. Peter you know. "

Frank hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different burds a week."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Lada over there, goodbye."

He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Escort, goodbye."

He then looks at Bobby and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Bobby lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"

St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Frank and Eddie are waiting for Bobby at the park where all three had planned to meet. Bobby arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Frank asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We`re stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this

bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened
16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were
taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog.'

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again her husband died. But she remarried, and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

A Vicky Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Stuart Colquhoun?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Stuart, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Pamela ?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Terri ?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Liz ?'

I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Isabel ?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Ann, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Stuart Colquhoun, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Stuart walks back to his pew, and his friend Stephen Kerr slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

“4 months holiday and five good leads!'

Two Asda greeters were sitting on bench during break.

One turns to the other asking,"Bert, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains, I know you are about my age, How do you feel?

Bert says, "I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Bert, "No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants."

Stuart met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Stuart to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Stuart's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Stuart comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.

Puzzled Stephen McShane gets a call from Pamela Corrigan.

"I've got a problem," says Pamela.

"What's the matter?" asks Stephen.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Stephen.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Pamela.

"All right," says Stephen. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes home and Pamela greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming." Pamela leads Stephen into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

Stephen looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For god's sake, Pamela, put the corn flakes back in the box."

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

A group of ladies from the club went on holiday and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their
boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Doorman, a very attractive guy,
explains to them how it works..."We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there." "It's
easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside." So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally
treat women badly". This wasn't going to do. So the friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great
lovers and sensitive to the needs of women. "This was good but there were still two more floors, so, on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect.
"All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight"
The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

This guy walks into the club, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) Robert McEwan "I'll have a Whiskey and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) Robert McEwan gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

Brian Smyth is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in
the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks,
and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?"
says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is Ian Tudhope standing at the door. It didn't take Brian long to realise that Ian was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs Ian, "Can you give me a push??"
"No,get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says Brian and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Brian, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way
back from the club and you had to knock on the door of a strangers house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But Ian was drunk." says Brian. "It doesn't matter,"says his wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So Brian gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see Ian anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see Ian he shouts: "Where are you?" And Ian replies:

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" Jackie Walton rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Stuart Colquhoun meets a girl out at a nightclub; they get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When Stuart walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later after they've had sex, Stuart turns to her and asks "So ... how was I?" She says "....Well, ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

John returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Liz, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, John went to her again, and said, Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Liz agreed and again they made love.

Later, John was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Liz's shoulder and said "Honey? Please Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

John, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!
Could we...?" Liz sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen John, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

It appears that a 10 foot wide hole has appeared in the green at the club, police are looking into it.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

George came home one day, very excited.

"Do you know what they are saying?" he asked his wife Jean, "they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!"

Jean responded "That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her!"

A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Good- night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy." The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the postman dead on the doorstep!"

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, “You’re in charge of digging.” Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, “And you’re in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.” Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby. “Why didn’t you touch it?” he says. The Italian looks at him. “We didn’t have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn’t find him.” Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand. “Supplies!” he yells.

Robert McEwan is behind the bar when in walks Barry Brown. “What’ll you have?” asks Robert. “A whiskey, please,” says Barry. Robert hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be two quid.” “What are you talking about?” says Barry, angry. “I don’t owe you anything.” The Club lawyer turns to Robert “You know, he’s got you there,” he says. “In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” Robert is not impressed, but relents as he turns to Barry. “OK, you got yourself a free drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, Barry walks into the club – and Robert is furious. “Get out! I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!” “What’re you talking about?” says Barry. “I’ve never been in this club in my life.” Robert is suddenly embarrassed. “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.” Barry grins at him. “Cheers! Make it a whiskey.”

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

As the Brown family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son, Thomas, had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office.There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brother, Martin shared his disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered his sisters. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training," Patricia said, Thomas looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question. "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ? They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men. What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ? A bat in the mouth. A wee woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman

Bet Easton and Margaret Ronald, from Charleston, were cycling down a cobbled street.

Bet says "I've never come this way before"

Margaret replies "Must be the cobbles"

A Russian, an American, and an Irishman were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Irishman said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't
land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Irishman replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"

LAST YEAR AT BLACKPOOL ENA BROWN AND HER HUSBAND BARRY WERE WALKING DOWN THE BEACH WITH SOME FRIENDS FROM THE CLUB, WHEN ONE OF THEM SHOUTED " LOOK AT THAT DEAD BURD" BARRY LOOKED UP AT THE SKY AND SHOUTED BACK "WHERE"

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to Stuart Colquhoun on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my girlfriend four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my girlfriend six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When Stuart remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your girlfriend last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

I went to the cemetary the other day to lay some flowers, as I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking around with a coffin, following Tommy McShane, two hours later they were still wandering around with it, I thought to myself this lot have lost the plot.

Stuart Colquhoun walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

Stuart exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast.

Quasimodo is sat in his room and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda. When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest man alive.

Esmerelda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your question once and for all"

About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug.

"Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who on earth is Robert McEwan