Jokes Page

"Only in the West of Scotland do suicide bombers need rescued from the locals. by the police."

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this

bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened
16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were
taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog.'

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again her husband died. But she remarried, and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?'

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

A Vicky Boy's Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Stuart Colquhoun?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Stuart, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Pamela ?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Terri ?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Liz ?'

I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Isabel ?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Ann, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Stuart Colquhoun, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Stuart walks back to his pew, and his friend Stephen Kerr slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

“4 months holiday and five good leads!'

Two Asda greeters were sitting on bench during break.

One turns to the other asking,"Bert, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains, I know you are about my age, How do you feel?

Bert says, "I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question, "Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Bert, "No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants."

Stuart met Sharon in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Stuart to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Stuart's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Stuart comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine.

Puzzled Stephen McShane gets a call from Pamela Corrigan.

"I've got a problem," says Pamela.

"What's the matter?" asks Stephen.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks Stephen.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Pamela.

"All right," says Stephen. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes home and Pamela greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming." Pamela leads Stephen into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

Stephen looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For god's sake, Pamela, put the corn flakes back in the box."

Alan MacLean is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to Alan and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of Cider?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And Alan replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

A group of ladies from the club went on holiday and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their
boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Doorman, a very attractive guy,
explains to them how it works..."We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there." "It's
easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside." So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally
treat women badly". This wasn't going to do. So the friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great
lovers and sensitive to the needs of women. "This was good but there were still two more floors, so, on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect.
"All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight"
The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

This guy walks into the club, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) Robert McEwan "I'll have a Whiskey and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) Robert McEwan gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

Brian Smyth is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in
the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks,
and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?"
says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is Ian Tudhope standing at the door. It didn't take Brian long to realise that Ian was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs Ian, "Can you give me a push??"
"No,get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says Brian and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Brian, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way
back from the club and you had to knock on the door of a strangers house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But Ian was drunk." says Brian. "It doesn't matter,"says his wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So Brian gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see Ian anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see Ian he shouts: "Where are you?" And Ian replies:

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" Jackie Walton rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Stuart Colquhoun meets a girl out at a nightclub; they get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When Stuart walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later after they've had sex, Stuart turns to her and asks "So ... how was I?" She says "....Well, ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

John returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Liz, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, John went to her again, and said, Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Liz agreed and again they made love.

Later, John was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Liz's shoulder and said "Honey? Please Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

John, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!

Could we...?"

Liz sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

"Listen John, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

It appears that a 10 foot wide hole has appeared in the green at the club, police are looking into it.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

George came home one day, very excited.

"Do you know what they are saying?" he asked his wife Jean, "they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!"

Jean responded "That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her!"

A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Good- night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy." The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the postman dead on the doorstep!"

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbour. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” He then jabs a thin finger at the Irishman, “You’re in charge of digging.” Finally, he turns to the Chinaman, “And you’re in charge of supplies. Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile.” Two hours later, the foreman returns to find the pile of sand untouched, and the Italian and Irishman standing nearby. “Why didn’t you touch it?” he says. The Italian looks at him. “We didn’t have a broom or shovel. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and we couldn’t find him.” Annoyed, the foreman storms off to find the errant Oriental. Just then, the Chinaman leaps from behind the sand. “Supplies!” he yells.

Robert McEwan is behind the bar when in walks Barry Brown. “What’ll you have?” asks Robert. “A whiskey, please,” says Barry. Robert hands him the drink, and says, “That’ll be two quid.” “What are you talking about?” says Barry, angry. “I don’t owe you anything.” The Club lawyer turns to Robert “You know, he’s got you there,” he says. “In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” Robert is not impressed, but relents as he turns to Barry. “OK, you got yourself a free drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, Barry walks into the club – and Robert is furious. “Get out! I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!” “What’re you talking about?” says Barry. “I’ve never been in this club in my life.” Robert is suddenly embarrassed. “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.” Barry grins at him. “Cheers! Make it a whiskey.”

A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting. "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

As the Brown family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son, Thomas, had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office.There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brother, Martin shared his disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered his sisters. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training," Patricia said, Thomas looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question. "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 35 years of marriage. The
counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade,
listing every problem they have ever had in the 35 years they've been
married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the
woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly
in a daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband says, "I can bring her in on Tuesday and Thursday, but every other night I'm 'bowling'

Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ? They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men. What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ? A bat in the mouth.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ? Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler

A wee woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman

Bet Easton and Margaret Ronald, from Charleston, were cycling down a cobbled street.

Bet says "I've never come this way before"

Margaret replies "Must be the cobbles"

News just in......
Rangers sign Chinese player.....But fans will not be able to pronounce name correctly

A Russian, an American, and an Irishman were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Irishman said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't
land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Irishman replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"

LAST YEAR AT BLACKPOOL ENA BROWN AND HER HUSBAND BARRY WERE WALKING DOWN THE BEACH WITH SOME FRIENDS FROM THE CLUB, WHEN ONE OF THEM SHOUTED " LOOK AT THAT DEAD BURD" BARRY LOOKED UP AT THE SKY AND SHOUTED BACK "WHERE"

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to Stuart Colquhoun on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my girlfriend four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my girlfriend six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When Stuart remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your girlfriend last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

I went to the cemetary the other day to lay some flowers, as I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking around with a coffin, following Tommy McShane, two hours later they were still wandering around with it, I thought to myself this lot have lost the plot.

Stuart Colquhoun walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

Stuart exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast.

Quasimodo is sat in his room and once again is feeling depressed about how ugly he is. Looking for some reassurance, he goes in search of Esmerelda. When he finds her he asks her once again if he really is the ugliest man alive.

Esmerelda sighs and says "Look, why don't you go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man alive? The mirror will answer your question once and for all"

About five minutes later a very pleased looking Quasimodo bounced back back the stairs and gave Esmerelda a great big hug.

"Well it worked" Quasmido beamed, "But who on earth is Robert McEwan